I was listening to a podcast the other day on my walk, and one of the speakers talked about how she had gotten to her success in life because she had acted as if “she had the audacity of a white man.”

And that struck a chord. How often do us, gender minorities, stay small, speak less, accept less, ask for less, and compromise our own well-being to make other people comfortable?

I have been going through it these past few months and so much of my stress would be alleviated if I just set stricter boundaries, if I spoke up for my needs, if I communicated what works best for me, if I told people no, if I asked more for things that supported me, instead of just accepting or assuming that things have to be as they are or that they can’t change.

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My therapist says I avoid big emotions and big feelings. As a child of baby boomers, I come from a generation of parents who handled big emotions by suppressing them, toughing them out, staying silent, practicing restraint, or in some cases doing quite the opposite and being emotionally explosive. These two extremes can be very confusing for a young child, making it difficult for me to have the right tools to handle big emotions and feelings now later on in my life.

I’m continually learning how this is showing up and manifesting in my current reality. I avoid confrontation; I accept and brush off things when I should speak up. I play small when I could be so much more. I don’t have the tough conversations.

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When my father was diagnosed with ALS in 2010, as I was about to turn 27, it changed my perspective on life forever. I realized how short life was, how little control we have over when it will end. At any moment, your entire world can change, and you sure as hell better be making the most of it. I’ve spent the last 15 years checking myself at every turn and asking - is this how I want to live? Is this in alignment with my dreams? Is this worth it? If I died today, would I have lived a full life and accomplished what I wanted? Would this be enough?

But lately it has been a lot more of - why am I accepting this? Why am I saying “I can’t” or “that’s not possible for me”? Why do I have so much resistance around showing up and being able to do the things I say I want to do?

Why do I set such high expectations on myself that I can never meet? Why can’t I seem to let myself learn, struggle, look foolish, or mess up? Why do I want so desperately for people to like me that I compromise my own needs and desires? And growth?

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Maybe you’ve heard the saying “Everything in your life is something that you are accepting, and actively choosing as your current reality.”

Obviously, some things are outside of your control: circumstances, privileges, etc. But there is a sphere of aspects that you do have control over. And your current reality is based on choices that a previous version of you made. If you are unhappy with the way things are and yet you do nothing to change it, then you are accepting it into your life.

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So there’s a lot packed into this little message today, and while I seem to have more questions than I do answers, I do want to give you some parting words that I keep coming back to from my mentors.

Action breeds clarity.

As an over-thinker and perfectionist, two labels I am trying HARD to reject - we often get stuck in ruminating and mentally masturbating on things without actually moving forward. Stop waiting. Get out there, mess up, look stupid, make mistakes. Just fucking do something.

Audacity means "a willingness to take bold risks." How can you start embodying that more? Put your needs above all else, draw your lines in the sand. Set your boundaries, and keep your promises to yourself.

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You matter,

Morgan E. Shepherd
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